You guys. I hate Left Eye so much. First things first: my last set of scans (in August) still shows no evidence of disease (NED), so above all things I’m STILL OK, which technically means I’m awesome and full of gratitude to be walkin’, singin’, talkin’, smilin’, laughin’, diggin’ my life (with apologies to The Guess Who).
But that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about my damn left . . . whatever she is. She WAS The Troublesome Tit. So I had her (and her innocent-but-still-sus sister) lopped off. Then she was The Irritating (Infectious?) Implant. So I had her (and, eventually, her silicone sister (with a manager mister)) evicted.
But SHE IS NOT DONE GIVING ME GRIEF.
Y’all, she is trying to rebuild herself (she thinks she has the technology).
At my post-surgery follow-up appointments with Dr. Boobie Builder (which, may I remind, were to check on the healing progress of the RIGHT side after the removal of my remaining implant), he noticed that Left Eye (or, what was left of her) was harboring extra lymphatic fluid . . . which only got worse with subsequent follow-up visits. At the second visit, Dr. Boobie Builder joked that it looked like I was growing another breast! (But to be clear — in case you’re getting any pictures in your head — we’re not talking Dolly Parton, or even Cher; just a tiny little hump that would (if you’re an Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret fan) barely merit a Gro-Bra.) Still, because the issue seemed to have gotten worse from one visit to the next, Dr. Boobie Builder decided he needs to INSTALL A SURGICAL DRAIN on that side.
Cover your ears, y’all:
I mean. Mad props to Left Eye for making a way out of no way, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
Aside from some pretty intense pain immediately following my double mastectomy, the surgical drains have been BY FAR the worst part of ANY of my surgeries. They’re just so . . . GROSS.
Oh, and it gets better: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR THE DRAIN FOR 4-6 WEEKS.
[See epithet above, and triple it. And add a little zhuzh whle you’re at it, like maybe throw in an “-arooney” or “-a-doodle-doo” or “on a cracker in the moonlight.” ]
I asked Dr. BB if there was ANYTHING I could do to fix this without the drain. At first (and pretty immediately) he said NO, but then I think he saw my face and wanted to send me away with some modicum (however false) of hope, so he suggested compression.
Y’all, I bound the SHIT out of my chest for a week or so, but every time I unwrapped to shower, hoping to see some flattening of the rogue mini-boob, I’d find that she’d merely morphed into a different shape (depending on where the ace wrap was squeezing the tightest). So when Dr. BB’s nurse called to check on the situation (having already scheduled the appointment, because she knew my efforts weren’t going to work), I was forced to confess I hadn’t managed to fix anything.
So, yeah. In addition to EVERYTHING ELSE going on right now . . .
(1. Winter Storm Fern, who — I must admit — has not given me much to complain about (a cancelled college visit to Duluth, MN (we were 40 minutes into the trip when we got an email from the school, saying campus was closed due to temps far beyond the witch’s tit) gave me ample time to doomsday grocery shop, the snow totals proved underwhelming, and we have had power, warmth, and homemade donuts this weekend). But still, I know it got bad elsewhere, and the drama leading up to her arrival gave everyone at least three new gray hairs and a chin pimple.
2. Minneapolis. Just . . . WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK. Again, what do I have to complain about, safe here in Kansas? (Y’know — aside from watching every last limp and flailing bit of democracy disappear one murder at a time?) I mean, MY neighbors aren’t getting murdered in the street. But the weight of it is not anything ANY of us can escape. Because they’re coming for EVERYONE now, y’all. I would call this a digression, but it’s kind of the main topic right now.)
. . . I’m gradually getting closer to Friday, when I’ll visit Dr. Boobie Builder’s office at 8 am, so that he can snip a little hole in my side and snake a drain into Left Eye — all WITHOUT the benefit of the general anesthesia I enjoyed for previous drain insertions.
But again. If that’s the worst of my problems right now . . .
I mean. I’m still going to wallow in self-pity and complain to YOU GUYS. But overall, I know it could be worse. So y’all don’t worry about me. Figure out something you can do. And then do it. Here’s a start: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1bUh43kKLL/
As always, I love y’all for listening.
Chandra, I think it is time to put all of this in a book. You are a great writer so you might as well develop a paying following. I love your writing – so clever. Think about it.
Oh my goodness!!! I had no idea you were going through all this. Your humor in the face of struggle is amazing and your writing has always been just…wow. I’m sending lots of healing love and I’m gonna follow more closely!!!